Never accept a drink from a Urologist.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me..
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