I always wake up at the crack of ice.
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I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
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A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
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I drink to forget I drink.
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I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
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It pays to get drunk with the best people.
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
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I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
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Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
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I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
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You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough.
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Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
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They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
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I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
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It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor -- as long as you've got money.
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There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
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I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
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Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
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Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
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You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
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