Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
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The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
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Don't jump on a man unless he is down.
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It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.
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A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
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A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.
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A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.
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Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
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The past always looks better than it was because it isn't here.
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One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
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Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
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Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.
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The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.
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