Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
View quote | Quotes about Animals

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
View quote | Quotes about Comedy and Comedians

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
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I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
View quote | Quotes about Disillusion

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
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I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
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More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
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In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
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Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
View quote | Quotes about Life and Living

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
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The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
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Marriage is the death of hope.
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
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I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
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I am at two with nature.
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It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
View quote | Quotes about Possibilities

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
View quote | Quotes about Reason

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
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A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
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If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never
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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
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A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
View quote | Quotes about Skepticism

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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Allen, Woody

No biography at present.

38 quotations